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| 7:20 a.m.-2006-05-20 Ooh. Luckity you guys. In honor of me purchasing my first ever honest to god Thoroughbred horse, I bring you a trifecta of crappity movies in review. First movie: An American Haunting I got it in three words: Don't Go There. First off, Sissy Spasek is beginning to resemble an alien lovechild. Second off, to a paranormal invesigator, the way the movie was handled was sensationalistic and wierd. Third off, screening a movie, getting bad reviews, and then recutting it and splicing 'every day today' into 'the true story of a haunting' is just...tacky. The events of the Bell Witch of Tennessee are and were well documented. The events portrayed in the movie, as far as the haunting goes, were sort of like they ripped out the pages of all the reports, tossed them into a bingo hopper, and randomly pulled them out and hoped a story would form. It also had camera angles ala The Blair Witch Project *gag* *ralph* *motion sick*, and some of the worst CGI in the world. Really tacky. No scare factor, few boo factors, and just generally unpleasant, especially the weird handling of the family and friend dynamics. If I go any further, I'll ruin the plot. The only two positive things I can say about An American Haunting is that the Romanian outdoor sets were STUNNING. Just beautiful. And that the costuming was nicely researched and done. Bravo there. But not worth even a Matinee. Second Movie: Posideon I got it in six words: Kurt Russell In a Disaster Movie! Aside from being the SECOND remake of Poseidon Adventure, this movie suffered from 'War of the World'-itis. Also a remake of a very famous incident from 30 years prior, War of the Worlds, from last summer, would've been an exceptional movie, if it hadn't had Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise vs the Alien Menace. Don't we all wish now that the 14 year old Franciscan seminary student would've STAYED in the seminary. No TomKat. No wierd Scientology scandals. No jumping the couch. Back on topic, Poseidon would've been a LOT better if it would've had someone other than Kurt Russell in the lead. I'm just sayin'. However, the bit part by Richard Dreyfuss is enough to have made me watch the film. It's Richard as you've never seen him, poor guy. Otherwise, the effects were good, you actually cared about the characters, and you didn't want to see them die, even when they did dumb things. Basically, all the things a horror movie should inspire within you...but usually don't. Definately not worth MORE than a matinee, however. Third Movie: See No Evil I got it in 12 words: Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Barely. Let's face it. When the WWE decides to make a movie, it's probably not gonna be stellar. When they decide to make a horror movie using the Undertaker's loser 'brother' Kane, it's really not going to be good. Then again, this one was actually watchable, but that was about it. The hotel they used was the hotel from the old TV show 'Beauty and the Beast', so it was stunning. And all the dead transients laying around were hysterically funny. But that was about it. The hotel's in Queensland, Australia, btw. So here are my gripes: First of all, the teenagers were very obviously 25-ish in age. The corrections officers were just stupidly handled. The badguy was barely two dimensional, and reminded me of a cross between practically any male character in Deliverance and Leatherface the last remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a bit of ole Ed Gein (inspiration for both the original TCM and the blind guy from Manhunter (the original take on the Hannibal Lector story). The premise was laughable, and they forgot to do all the foreshadowing until the last 10 minutes of the movie. Worth a matinee, and that's about it. Let the eye gouging begin. The Captain
 The Internet's Mood: The Captain Recommends Dogcessorize 2006-08-13 - Movie Review: Monster House 2006-08-07 - Movie Review: The Descent 2006-06-09 - Movie Review: The Omen 2006-06-03 - She's here, She's here! 2006-05-22 - Blame the Cabin-Boy for playing 50 questions.
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