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| 5:50 a.m.-2004-05-25 I'm very frustrated right now. I haven't been posting because my posts would all sound like this one. If you've been reading the cabin-boy's posts, you know why. I'm frustrated. I feel like a huge failure because I cannot provide. I cannot fix things. I cannot make enough money to fix things. In the end, it all boils down to money. Doctors have it. I don't. As a group, I've grown to hate them. How can they look at themselves in the morning, and still live with themselves? I couldn't. It takes a special sort of bastard to be able to look someone in the face and say, "I'm sorry, what you have can only be fixed with surgery, but I won't do it because the state doesn't pay me enough to make the $899 payment on my Mercedes." Assholes. Hypocrits. Jackasses. Don't look at me. I'm just a pharmacy technician. It's a wonder my bloody pharmacy is even still afloat. We make on average $2 per prescription. Even if that prescription cost us $100 or more. The insurance companies pay us $102. There won't be a happier soul on this planet the day this country finally gets systemic health care for everyone. It's absolutely unconscionable that in a country as rich as this one, that everyone doesn't have universal healthcare. I'm tired of the greed. And the hypocracy. Bill Gates will spend millions all over the world, but won't help his own countrymen. I'm tired of seeing Donald Trump's pasty white ass-face on TV, because he's not lifing a finger to help his own people. Ever see the movie John Q? Me either. But that's how I feel. If I could stand up on a building, King Kong style, and read physicians and lawmakers the riot act while waving a gun and a bomb...I probably would. But no one would care. Crazy, they'd call me. Cracked under the strain. Bullshit. My eyes and ears are open. I SEE what I see...and all I see is greed and selfishness. My coworkers /all/ own their own homes. And fancy cars. And they're always ribbing me as to why I don't. Hey. I've drug myself up by my bootstraps, but no one gives a shit...and now I'm angry. And resentful. I HATE...and I don't think people understand, care, or respect that. I certainly have begun to lost all care or respect I once had. Truth is, any one of my coworkers could probably pay the few thousand it would take to fix my life, and not even notice...but they wouldn't. Can't give hand outs, can't give help...we'd create a socity of lazy people who expect everything to be handed to them. Yeah...I expect you haven't gotten this far. I'm full of venom and bile and I'm not afraid to spew it. I wish I could lead some great tribunal that sat in judgement on the rich and famous...so I could look them in the eye, and ask them just what HAVE they done with that wealth and power, that made this place a better one...and if they couldn't tell me, couldn't explain why they didn't work harder, why they chose to live more lavishly, it'd be time to take some of that lavishness away. If their good deeds couldn't outway the way they clawed their way to the top, some of it would be taken away. A lot could be fixed, with that sort of money. Heh. My father would probably read this right now, and want to pick up a gun and shoot me for being a Communist. Oh hell. Those folks weren't out for peace, liberty, and fairness. They just slapped those labels on their own greed and power-hungry desires, and marched on with a revolution so that they were the haves and others were the havenots. Me...I just want to see some common human decency. I want to see some mercy. I want to see a little less greed and a lot more fixing of problems in our country before we go fucking around with people who don't want us there in the first place. I just want things to change. Before I become like that. Like them. Before I finally get on my feet financially, and then become afraid to open my hand and my heart and help, selfish and thinking 'meemeemeeeeeeeeeee'. I don't want a fancy car. I don't want a fancy house. I want peace and quiet. I want to read and play my silly role playing games. I want to sit with my lover, and watch a fire burn. I want my lover to still BE here in a decade...but the way the state's treating him...I worry that won't be the case. It's so sickening. I understand some of the murder suicides out there these days. I'm so sick. And heart sick. And tired. And angry. And frustrated. I can't eat anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to get up anymore, or talk to anyone, or do anything. Sure, gimme some Prozac, it makes you feel better that you made me allll better with one little pill, and that magically all my rage and frustrations will just go away. They won't. They're still there, wrapping and worming their way around my heart, until I break...only I've never broken. I've just snapped...and gone in a new direction. I don't break well. And now, I've got to go. Promised the boss I'd be in early, because I got volunteered to help with one of his get rich quicker schemes...that won't help me much at all, in the end. But still. I like the old guy, and I'm too in need of the extra hours to complain aloud. I hope you have a great rest of the day. Don't worry too much about me. I'll be fine, I think. And if not, it's no big deal, right? I'm just words on a page. I'm not weighty. I'm not real. I never was and I never will be. Not really. Because I wasn't worth a couple hundred thousand, and I never will be. The Captain
 The Internet's Mood: The Captain Recommends Dogcessorize 2006-08-13 - Movie Review: Monster House 2006-08-07 - Movie Review: The Descent 2006-06-09 - Movie Review: The Omen 2006-06-03 - She's here, She's here! 2006-05-22 - Blame the Cabin-Boy for playing 50 questions.
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