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Huh. Cabin-Boy informs me that he's bought me a year's worth of Diaryland gawd knows how long ago now.

I feel ashamed for 1) not remembering he told me this and 2) not using it. My apologies.

So.

Without further ado.

Not one, but TWO movie reviews by Captain Jim. In a compare and contrast format. Sort of. Half-assed anyway.

3/04/06 - The Hills Have Eyes

A movie remake, this is usually (not always) but usually your first clew that a movie is gonna suck. This is a remake of once uber-horror-meister Wes Craven's crappity horror fest The Hills Have Eyes (1977). Let's just say that Scream, the ole boy should've been put out to pasture. He hasn't been. But he should have been.
This movie violates every Captain Jim approved premise of horror movies. These are pretty simple, mind you.

1. The opening should be short, swift, give you everything you NEED to know.
   
2. The characters should be just human enough that you make a connection, just dumb enough you know they're going to make mistakes you might make, and just likable enough you want to see them make it out (even if you know most won't).
   
3. Gore is not obligatory to evoke a sense of horror, but it helps.
   

Okay. First off, the BEST part of this movie is the opening, with the bizaare juxtaposition of the cheerful 50s lounge music and shots of nuclear tests, deformities caused by radiations, and babies in jars. That's where the movie stops being worth burnt popcorn. This movie half assed succeeds in Rule #1.

Then Rule #2 comes along: The opening credits are entertaining, but the first 25 minutes DRAG on so badly, you're ready to claw your own eyes out. Then the characters are SO obnoxious, you're ready to get up there and kill them yourselves. I certainly got everything I needed to know: These human beings are disgusting wastes of oxygen and I wanted them all dead, and soon. The whole point of a HORROR movie is that you feel a sense of horror, and you hope (secretly perhaps) that SOMEONE survives. The horror you feel is because your newfound onscreen friends are going to DIE and DIE HORRIBLY...and you can't stop it. If you're waiting for them to die...well...sort of a let down, eh?

Then Rule #3 arrives. You know what? This movie just reeked. There was no horror...just a lot of Hollywood interpretations of what might happen if the horribly deformed children from the opening credits might look like if they survived to adulthood and went on a murderous, cannibalistic rampage. There was a lot of gore, but without the horror element, you might as well have sat and played Doom for an hour or three.

Feh. This movie sucked rocks.

So. We turn on to the next movie.

03/18/06 - Stay Alive

Okay, so this movie is not as slick or polished as your average horror movie. Frankly, it could've been a made for the SciFi channel movie. On the upside, it's got an entertaining concept: A haunted video game that kills you in real life once you die in the game. Huh. Sort of The Ring meets ... I don't know ... World of Warcraft.

Frankly, like The Hills Have Eyes, this movie is NOT going to win any awards. But it was an original script (not a remake), it was written by someone who at least knows something of the online gaming culture. Okay, it's as full of tongue-in-cheek nods to the gamers as your average horror movie has nods for other horror films (and I for one, get sort of tired of those nods...yes, yes, you know dudes, we all watch these films, so it gets sort of dull, looking for the injokes). It's got all your typical stereotypes...but it was STILL entertaining...even if it wasn't as developed as it could've been. But it was still worth the matinee price and some popcorn. I'd definately recommend going to see it.

Okay, so there you go. Proof of life, as it were.

The Captain

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The Captain Recommends Dogcessorize

2006-08-13 - Movie Review: Monster House

2006-08-07 - Movie Review: The Descent

2006-06-09 - Movie Review: The Omen

2006-06-03 - She's here, She's here!

2006-05-22 - Blame the Cabin-Boy for playing 50 questions.